A curious solution

The problem I’m thinking of is mortality – mortality within the context of loneliness, hopelessness, dissatisfaction.

I don’t always feel this way, but when I do, I feel justified in it. I feel that it is quite rational for me to summarise my lot so, and, without adding mortality to the mix, perhaps there is some glimmer of hope, that things might improve, but when I remember that I’m at least two thirds of the way through my useful life, and I really am mortal, the struggle seems totally pointless.

The only reason for not dying is the muddle that I’d leave behind, and yet that is surely a constant. No matter how long I live, no matter how much, or how little, I achieve, I will leave behind a big muddle.

I have no one I want to be my next of kin, I have no one to pass the muddle onto, and though, for now, there is a little money, I’m not convinced it would be a net gain for anyone.

I don’t think I’m very unique in this sense, and don’t worry, it’s not a crisis. I am lost in my routine of day to day life, I am lost in the chasing of quality experience, isolated moments of quality life within the pointlessness of the whole. Tiny connections within the emptiness of a life. Remembering, I hope, to try not to bring folk down.

But I think perhaps the madness of self killing is sometimes overstated.

Or maybe it’s not;

all the cases I’ve experienced personally, through my work, and outside it, have not been people, like myself, who might put a good case to justify their action. They’ve been achievers, family men, loved and missed by wives, children, dogs, friends….. often packing out churches with folk that never went to church.

This came to light a little when I spoke to a friend who confessed to being an alcoholic, a hoarder, and I forget what else. He told me that he’d once had thoughts of self killing, but now he’s too busy in his survival mode. He has a nice face, a warm smile, is articulate, and, as he repetitively complains about the trials of his mundane job, I find myself enjoying the gentle rhythm of his speech.

I caught him on the stairs, and claimed the authority of the experience of my job. I said to him “you say you no longer want to end life, but your resort to drink makes an absolute certainty that you will end it.” I told him that half of the funerals I take care of are for folk under 65, and most of these are directly or indirectly due to drink. I didn’t go on to explain the myriad ways that the body can shut down after long term alcohol abuse, nor that a single male who finds solace in drink is likely not to feed clothe or care for himself, and thereby can meet death without drink being a documented cause. Even an ex alcoholic, who isn’t well cared for, will likely live considerably less long (and less well), than a well routined bachelor, or a well loved married man. My friend seemed momentarily shocked, but I’m sure he’s heard such arguments a thousand times. I told him I enjoy his company, and would miss him, and I consider his drinking alone, when he’d otherwise be great company, a great shame. He thanked me, and then reprimanded me for not wearing a cycle helmet.

So I think of him, drinking alone, and saying that drink isn’t the root of his problem, and myself, not drinking alone, and knowing that the aloneness is the root of my problem, and both of us not meaning to kill ourselves, but neither wanting to live the lives we live, and then I think of all those I’ve known to end their lives, and it seems to me that drink is kind, that the roles should be reversed, and yet I don’t drink…. much.

The current litre of Aldi own brand whisky is marked “mid October”. A drinker would be through that in a day or two, so you needn’t worry about me…. on that front.

Nor on any front, for there is no consequence, those I love most, need not know if I live, or not, only that they don’t hear from me, so I practice not troubling them, so tomorrow, should I step out under a bus, they won’t miss me, any more than they’d expect to.

And the muddle, and the money…..

Perhaps I’ll tidy them up. If I do,,, then you can worry.