Non Monogamy

I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time, I didn’t mean to make it a blog post, but since I’ve been pretty open about my pursuit of human contact I don’t see why this shouldn’t sit here in the timeline.

And I’m on holiday from my fiction writing, so my characters can spend a week gestating in my head.

On dating apps the latest buzz is something they call ethical non monogamy.

I would skip the word “ethical”, in an effort to be the thing, not just the spoken intention. I think everyone intends to do good.

The reality is that finding your perfect person in the place where you are is a fools errand. And I’m looking more for a community solution.

There are lots of NM or ENM people looking for sex and wild parties and without inhibition, I don’t disapprove, and, at times I may have wanted to join in, but either they’re not as active as they imply, or they see me for not being a match, and they’d probably be right.

But I think the term is useful beyond that fetish world.

I recently connected briefly with someone who described herself as NM, and I concluded that by using the term she protected herself from being owned.

Another recent connection was with a woman who turned out to be homeless, sofa surfing, and therefore was in a hurry to get to know me. Unfortunately she decided against my postcode and was unimpressed when I didn’t offer a taxi service from the next county.

She made me think about relations between men and women though.

I think for women, sex is a bonding ritual practiced with a dominant male on whom she either is dependent, or is choosing to become dependent. Feminists may argue that women aren’t, or shouldn’t be seen as being dependent, but will go on to site domestic violence and even matricide, so, only in a sense, in sexual or domestic relations, women, being usually smaller, and desirous of larger men, are dependent. In many other senses men are dependent on women, but I am thinking here about feelings that come from deep rooted primievil instincts, and I think the desires expressed by many women on sex apps inform this.

So back to me.

I’ve been in a loyal confident monogamous relationship for over 20 years until death ended it middle of last year. My dear wife kissed me hungrily for the last time about a month before she died, and told me repeatedly she’d like me to find another love. She had no energy to tell me much more, and I don’t think she imagined how difficult and unlikely this would be, and it’s complicated by a feeling of a connection with her that persists through death. So in some sense any woman who comes to me after has to share me with her, and I have to work out in my head how my eternity works for three.

So,

What is it I want?

I think it’s a mixture of belonging, validation, being wanted, and physical contact.

The physical contact having a lot to do with the need to be wanted, and this stretches through the sexual and the platonic.

And I know that I won’t find all this in one person, or that if I do it’s just all too volatile.

So I’m looking to build a community around me, a web of people who don’t all need to come sailing with me. And yes, that is, at least half a euphemism.

I think it’s most likely that for me, non monogamy means something pretty close to celibacy, I’m ok with that. And maybe I’ll grow over time more into one person, but perhaps for now I am less of a threat, or a nuisance if shared out a little.